The bedtime chatter tonight -

Tyler: Do you miss Sofia, Mommy? I miss Sofia.
Me: Yes, I miss Sofia.
Tyler: But your eyes are not red. But I hear your sipon. (colds)
Me: I miss Sofia but I’m not crying.

<after some time>

Tyler: Sofia died before us. Because there was a problem with her heart.

<sigh> … All this said with that cute toddler matter-of-factness.

Now my eyes are red.

No, I did not forget to greet Sofia on her 1st birthday. I just did it on fb, not here.

April 4 was Sofia’s birthday. We had a little picnic for her. As I spelled out the dedication for her birthday cake at Red Ribbon, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. The kind lady behind the counter seemed to understand and said she wanted to cry too. She handed me a tissue. Funnily, we mindlessly put a box of pizza on top of the cake as we were having our picnic, so all that drama was for naught as we ended up with this:

This should have read, Happy 1st Birthday Angel Sofia! We love and miss you so much!

Doesn’t it look like Sofia erased all the dramatic parts?

It was Sofia’s birthday but it was she who had a gift for us. Four round-trip tickets to the US c/o the credit card promo that was active during the time we were racking up her expenses. We thought it would be a good opportunity to visit my 80-year-old grandmother, who was not in good condition anymore. We were planning to leave the day after Sofia’s birthday, April 5, then have a quadruple birthday celebration that weekend for one of my aunts, Sofia, my Lola, and Yoachim.

It was not according to The Master Plan though. Lola’s condition deteriorated the week before our vacation and she passed away on April 2, three days before our arrival in the US. When I think about it, maybe that was a better plan than for Yoachim and Tyler to have been there when it happened. That was a real risk. The timing still worked out such that we were there, along with my parents and youngest brother, to pay our final respects.

While we were away, we had some scratches on our car fixed. When we got it back, the radio was on and playing Just The Way You Are. Sofia was welcoming us back home.

Me, looking for redemption: But it’s just my tummy right, not my arms and legs?

Tyler: They’re also fat.

No redemption.

Haaay.

I woke up. Your dad woke me up. he and Kuya Yoachim were about to leave for work/school.

Kuya Yoachim enjoys creating animation through Styx. The filename of the animation he has been adding to for weeks is Yoachim funny violent weird. Most of the scenes are black stick figures who shoot each other or do some cool kung fu, like feet of fury.

In one scene, however, a guy falls down dead and is enclosed in a brown coffin. A colored flower drops at its foot. Your kuyas say it’s a cematary and have a kick out of it.

Don’t worry, they have a kick out of the rest of the scenes too.

I know that the time will come when her voice won’t be as crystal clear in my head. But even when every detail has dulled, I know that I’ll always have something that not even time can take away. Pain.
…
When I’ve forgotten everything else, I’ll feel that ache … that tightness in my throat … that heaviness in my chest … and know that I loved a woman once and she loved me back. It’s proof that I existed and so did she. 

Ugh. Good thing I have crystal clear videos and photos so it’s not just Pain.

Our household operations were disrupted this week by our helpers’ family emergency. We’ve needed a lot of support in terms of my parents coming over to help watch the kids, etc. Our manang of 30+ years (who was my brothers’ nanny!) sent some cooked food for us last Monday and has been helping our inexperienced temp helper by giving her cooking instructions over the phone.

Manang said she saw my maternal grandparents in her dream. They looked healthier. This reminded me of the boy’s account in Heaven is for Real, where he met his grandfather for the first time in heaven. The grandfather looked the way he was while at his prime on earth.

Manang then told me something that made my hair stand on end. She said my grandparents told her, huwag mong papabayaan si Tricia. Don’t leave her at her time of need.

Kuya Tyler had diced cheese for breakfast and he said he was sharing it with you.

We played soccer at Heritage this afternoon. That was good exercise for me. Let’s hope it helps get rid of the belly you left behind! Kuya Tyler keeps saying I still look like I have a baby in my tummy though he acknowledges I’m thinner.

We pretended to bounce you on our heads like a soccer ball. Hope you enjoyed that!

Kuya Yoachim chose a Pokemon for you, Wigglytuff. He showed it to me on his Pokedex, which is something like a Pokemon catalog. He says you could have one because it sings, it would make you happy. He also said you could have a Pikachu because it’s cute.

Your kuyas love you so much, baby. We all do. Happy 10th! Love you. Mwah!